 Looking back, I always knew I was different -- I just didn't understand what it was. Being brought up in a Regular Baptist Church and having a family even more conservative than the Church made me pretty sheltered to even know what gay was. I dated women in high school and at Cedarville -- even was in a three year relationship with plans to get married.
The thing was, there was never any desire for physical intimacy with any of the girls -- and, to be honest, breaking up and not getting married was actually a relief. Since I was brought up that premarital sex was wrong, I always felt "safe" in a relationship with women because I had an excuse for not getting physical. I felt something was wrong with me and feared it was unfixable - so I put it aside and decided not to deal with it until I got married (Scary).
After I graduated in 1985 from Cedarville College, I jumped into my career and tried again to date. It was after I had moved away from family and friends that I started to really look at myself and try to figure out what was so different about me. I think part of the reason I didn't look at myself as gay was that my perception was they were guys that were feminine and wanted to be a woman -- how could I be gay? I was masculine and would never want to be a woman. I know now that sounds naive, but that is how gay men were shown as even in the secular world back then. (This was before movies like "Brokeback Mountain" and TV shows like "Brothers & Sisters" that show what I feel is a more true perspective of gay men.)
Anyways, once I was on my own, I made friends with a guy and it turned into a relationship. Though it was short term, it made me realize that I was gay and I ended up opening up to some of my family. My brother's response was the best - he just said he would always love me. My sisters seem to take it real well and I figured I was home free, but little did I know that they were actually very concerned and sure I was on my way to Hell. A brother in law told my mother and she showed me unconditional love - but still suggested counseling to fix it - or maybe I had a hormonal imbalance and it could be fixed that way.
It was years later that my Dad found out (again from a "concerned" brother in law) and surprisingly he also gave unconditional love but to this day makes comments that I need a "help mate" (woman) to complete my life. Because of the love my family gave me and their attempt to understand and listen to me - I found myself trying to fix myself. I prayed and prayed that God would change me. I read the Bible, read books on how to become straight, and even looked into the "Exodus" program. I finally just came to a point that I realized I was gay and that I couldn't change it. For some reason that is what God chose for me and I had to accept it.
Accepting myself for who I was and realizing that God was the one that made me this way lifted a big load off my shoulders, but doing this also caused a division in my family. There was talk of "kicking me out" of the family until I changed my ways. This was hard for me because I was very close to all my family -- but I could not sacrifice who I was and live a lie to please the family that I loved so much. It wouldn't be fair to me or them. I haven't been to a Christmas for 10 years because of this issue - and was told by one of my sisters that it would be inappropriate to visit my mother last year on Mother's day because she was planning to be there too. (To this day I have not told any of my family that I am in a relationship because I do not want to cause more friction). But to be fair, how could I expect my family to accept me being gay when I still had questions on whether it was sin or not? It took me 20 years for me to really understand that it was not a sin.
I knew in my heart that I was born this way - for one thing, I wasn't abused when young. And though I was close to my mother, I was even closer to my father through my childhood years, always doing projects with him because our interests were a lot the same. It was when I read how Jesus responded to his disciples in Matthew 19:11-12 after speaking on His strict teaching of divorce. He gives reasons for why certain men should not marry a woman. "Not every one can accept this statement", Jesus said, "Only those whom God helps. Some are born as eunuchs, some have been made eunuchs by others, and some choose not to marry for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. Let anyone accept this who can." Back then a "eunuch" was often associated with homosexual desire. I realized what I knew all along - I was truly born this way! A book that I would recommend is The Children are Free by Rev. Jeff Minor and John Connoley. It helped answer questions on how I could be a Christian and be gay.
I have been in a long term relationship now for over ten years - he is truly the love of my life and I know it was God that put us together. I feel blessed that God gave me Bryan and look forward to growing old with him! It has been a hard road, but looking back I see that there is very little I would change. If my story helped you out or you need someone to talk to - email me at eastindyman@yahoo.com. Realizing you are gay is a personal thing and each person goes through things differently -- but don't let anyone make you feel less of a person because of who God made you to be -- He doesn't make mistakes.
Paul Jones
Class of 1985
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