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 I graduated from Cedarville University in 2002. I majored in Applied Psychology and was active in Alpha Psi Omega (the psychology
organization) during my years at Cedarville (2000-2001 VP; 2001-2002
President). I did not realize I was gay while I was at Cedarville, and
I cannot tell you how thankful I am for that. I know individuals who
were aware of their orientation, and I know how much pain they went
through during that time as they felt (accurately or not) that they
would be judged and despised if they let even their close friends know
of their feelings.
My realization came somewhat gradually. I was strongly drawn to the gay
community for some reason, yet I did not know why. I went to some
online groups where gay people met and joined in on conversations as an
ally who wanted to increase her understanding of the world. I grew up
being told that homosexuality was wrong, but I never understood why it
was wrong other than people telling me that that's what God said.
I honestly do not see how love between two people can be so widely
condemned. I find it confusing why some of the more vocal opponents to
homosexuality focus so much on the topic. There are thousands of issues
facing the world today: poverty, violence, health care, war, etc... why
focus on something that honestly does nothing but discriminate when
there are so many more pressing issues? Sure, people say that gay
marriage would demise marriage in our culture, but I'd like to know
how. How does two men or women in love negatively affect anyone's
marriage? I've never heard anyone say, "My spouse and I have not been
able to communicate well at all after that gay couple moved in next
door. Their gayness just undermined our entire relationship." You never
hear that because 1) it's ridiculous, and 2) it's not true.
But aside from that, I fully came to terms with my lesbianism on August
28, 2003. It was that evening that I realized I had a crush on a
lesbian friend of mine who I had known for a couple of months. We were
instant messaging when I quickly typed out my feelings, and then
promptly ran away from my computer, as I had never expressed my
feelings for anyone before and I was terrified beyond belief that the
feelings would not be returned and, more importantly, that I was going
to puke all over my laptop. However, my fears were quickly subsided
when I realized that feelings were mutual and we began a relationship.
While that ended 9 months later, it was not before teaching me valuable
lessons on relationships, because while I was 23 years old, I had never
before been in a relationship of any kind. I didn't even participate in
those elementary "Do you like me? Circle Yes No" situations. They did
not make sense to me. I kept telling myself that I'd be smart and wait
until I went to college to find the "man of my dreams" because I knew
it was silly to start up a high school romance that would have to
eventually end.
Oddly though, when I started college I still did not seem to be drawn
to the dating scene. The pick-a-dates seemed so awkward. I enjoyed them
because the activities were always fun (who could turn down a chance to
play laser tag?), but the uncomfortable and uneasiness was just a bit
too much. Now, I'm not going to say that I find all men unattractive.
That is not the case. I can see a good-looking man and appreciate it,
but that's where it stops. I don't have the normal straight girl
response of "Oh, I wonder what he smells like"; "I wonder what it would
be like to kiss him." I would just think, "Wow. He's pretty." And move
on. It was kind of like looking at a piece in an art gallery.
Appreciation. Admiration. Then you move on.
But even in college my orientation never hit me. I would be asked out by some guys here and
there and while I enjoyed being with them as friends, I felt so awkward
having them pay for me because it seemed like I was leading them on. I
can honestly say that I used the cheap, "I don't think it's God's will
for us to go out anymore" line numerous times. I did not know how else
to explain why I wasn't interested in being anything more than friends,
and I just assumed that since my feelings weren't there that it
obviously wasn't in God's plan. After all, if he wanted me to be with
one of those guys, he would have given me some sort of
reaction/feelings, right? But nada. Nothing. I even made a commitment
to not date for an entire year so that I could get my life right with
God. I really had no pressing concern with my spiritual life that
warranted such a dramatic act, but it sure did take the pressure off
whilst trying to explain to others and myself as to why I wasn't dating
anyone.
The journey since then has been an interesting one with ups and downs,
falling in love, falling out of love, heart break, etc. But I wouldn't
change my orientation for the world. When I realized that summer night
in 2003 that I was gay, my life finally made sense to me. I could
retrace my childhood and realize that the really weird butterfly
feelings that I had felt for certain babysitters and girl friends were
crushes, and not a reaction to something I had just eaten. My fear of
marriage and my complete disinterest in dating quickly evaporated as
well.
I am currently enrolled in a Master's program at the University of
Indianapolis. There I study sociology and hope to someday create and
present research that will benefit human rights. I greatly appreciate
the individuals who started up cedarvilleout.org. Not being accepted
and feeling alone and isolated is a common reality to those who are gay
- I think this website is a great way to reach out to others that are
struggling to let them know that they are okay and that there is
nothing wrong to being gay. The only thing wrong about homosexuality is
the refusal to accept it.
Kendra Cassidy
Class of 2002
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